Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.