Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Your presents is requested.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
He’s my pinch charming.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.