"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
I can heartly wait to see you.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Wanna see my world cup in action?