"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
I love you a tot!
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Sip, sip, horray!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!