What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.