Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Sea you at the beach.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Don’t go bacon my heart.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar