I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I fence-y you.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Something’s goat to give.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
You’re a perfect ten(t).
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.