What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.

his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.

What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.

What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.

What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!

How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.

What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.

Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.

Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...

"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"

I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.

We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.

What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.

What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.

“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”

My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.

Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.

What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.

Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.

Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!

Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.

Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.

What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.

A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.

You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.

Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.

Can you drive my car?

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.

"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron

What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

Nothing really mattress.

“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.