Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.