Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.