The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.

What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.

Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back

When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.

"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"

What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.

What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.

There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.

Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.

What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.

A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.

"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"

Love at frost sight!

What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig

Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.

Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.

I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"

"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!

How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato

I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.

“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”

- John Lyon.

Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.

I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me

Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.

Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.

Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.

Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.

I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".