I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin