Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
"You deserve better and so do I."
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.