Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Your love will always be up to par.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
I sulfur when you argon.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.