When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
It was mitten in the stars.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar