What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Icy what you did there.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
"You had me at merlot."
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward