What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Best in snow.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield