I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
That was thaw-some!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I really like you. So does my wife.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.