"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Hello there, how do you brew?
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.