To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
The superconductor left without resistance.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
The huddle is real
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
Witch you were here.