Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Metaphors be with you.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!