“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Beach you to it.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!