“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Practice safe text: use commas.
We bee-long together.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
I wood never leaf you.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!