Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
I’m very frond of you.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.