The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
You are shrimply the best!
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Poor white splash.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!