I call the shots.

What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.

You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!

What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.

What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.

The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.

My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!

Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Dewey.

Dewey who?

Dewey have to use a condom?

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.

I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.

Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!

Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.

Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.

My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.

I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.

I can sea clearly now.

Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

- Cindy Garner.

"What an egg-citing day."

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..

Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?

“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”

- Delia Ephron

I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…

What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.

I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.

"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!