A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck