"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I’m rooting for you!
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.