What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Pirates Private Property.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.