Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
You snow the drill.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.