Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
You're acute Valentine.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!