Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
The calm before the score
"Bury me next to a straight man."
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.