You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.