What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
"My cat doesn't like you."
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!