Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
I find my core strength in you.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.