A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!