I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams