Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.

I would give anything to be your personal item.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”

Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.

"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!

You are pitcher perfect.

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.

I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.

I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.

"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar

If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.

Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.

I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”

Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.

Do you like science because I've got my ion you.

"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill

Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.

Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.

What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.

A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.

I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you

After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.

When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.

What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.

I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!

What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.

What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.

My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.

“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers

The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.

I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.

How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!