Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
You are my raisin to smile.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.