What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
"My cat doesn't like you."
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Your presents is requested.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Drink happy thoughts.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"