“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I like you, you croc my world.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."