Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.

Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.

What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address

Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.

What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code

“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”

- H. L. Mencken.

why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.

People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.

“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith

What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.

Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.

What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.

Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill

What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.

A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?

"Have an egg-cellent Easter."

Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.

Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.

How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!

What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.

Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.

Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.

Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.

Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"

Grandmother: "Where?"

Dad: "The stock market."

He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.