Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Snow thank you.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.