If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"