What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I’m kind of a big dill.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.