A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Your good weed for the day.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
There’s no trick in these pants.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew