"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.

Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life

How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!

Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was NOT worth the trip.

What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.

Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.

"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.

What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.

Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.

“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir

This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.

How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.

Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.

Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!

As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.

I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson

“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill

A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.

When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

Take off all your cloves.

What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!

"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud

Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...

How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.