My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.