Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
I could never Passover you.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair