What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Treat yo shelves.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.