Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?