You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
I really caribou-t you.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.