Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.