What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
We’re a perfect mash.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Readers do it by the book.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.