Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
You’re Isaacly my type
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.