What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What is your favorite yoga pose?
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
I'm at my best during overtime.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.