What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.