“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.