It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.

What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.

How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.

The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.

What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.

Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.

What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.

Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.

What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.

Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.

I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.

Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.

To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.

Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.

I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.

Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."

What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On

What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.

Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.

Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.

I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.

This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.

What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.

What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.

What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.

I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.

Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!

"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon

What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !

What is the study of real estate? Homology

How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”

Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!

What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.

Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams