“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”

- William S. Burroughs.

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes

Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.

What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet

Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.

What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

“Every mile is two in winter.”

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."

You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!

What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.

What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"

“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju

Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken

Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.

Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.

What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.

Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.

Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.

Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.

"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”

- Sir Winston Churchill.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.

What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

“In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

How do rabbits travel?

On hareplanes!

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop

Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.

How does a car begin telling you bad news?

‘I hate to brake it to you…’

When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.