Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Treat yo'elf.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Are you a model?
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.