Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Don't even chai.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.