"I need to re-wine my life."
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture