You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
You’re brew-tiful!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.