“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
We should make like your parents and split.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
We’re a perfect mash.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".