Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.