Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland