What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous