How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"You bake me crazy."
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
You're so clover!
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!