How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
"Dying to have fun."
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
You are spud-tacular.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.