Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone

I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?

What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.

What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!

What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.

How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.

A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.

Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.

What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air

My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.

What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!

The artist thought she was all that and pen some.

Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.

It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!

My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.

Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.