What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
You are one well-defined function!
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.