Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.