Will you go penguin sledding with me?
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.