I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
You looked better when I was drunk.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss