What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
My weekend is fully booked.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”