Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.