"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Reading is a novel idea.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.