Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.