Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I'd drink your bathwater.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-