The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.