My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?