"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Ants in your plants.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.