Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Rock was magma before it was cool.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?