Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control