The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.