Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.