What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah