When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Drink happy thoughts.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.