What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston