I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
I Tour de Francy you.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"Just one hot chick."
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.