Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.

I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."

So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.

What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.

Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.

What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.

You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.

Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.

Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.

What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas

I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"

- Dave Attell

What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist

We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.

The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”

When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.

Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.

Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.

Please excuse my resting beach face.