Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles