Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.